VICE just keeps getting sadder and sadder. One of the newest snowflakes to join their writing team, Yasmin Jeffery, published a piece entitled ‘Why You Should Actually Look Forward to Being Alone Forever’ on August 24th, and as you might expect, the whole thing sets out to trash marriage and the traditional family unit.
Yasmin starts her article by accurately noting that single people are typically seen as failures.
“For years, single people have been painted as failures. Hollywood has managed to make three Bridget Jones films on that loose premise alone.”
No shit, Yasmin.
The reason the Bridget Jones series is so immensely successful is because people find the idea of a woman being alone and tragically useless hilarious. Bridget Jones is a failure, her life is sad – which is why characters like hers are cheered on at the end of films when they finally find the man of their dreams and get married.
The ‘happily ever after’ tale is the natural conclusion for any story, unless you’re watching some bullshit indie movie with a manic pixie dream girl who breaks a beta’s heart and ends up living alone in a city apartment at the age of 43, pretending being single is fun, eating crisps in her sweatpants watching ‘Girls’ and crying herself to sleep every night.
The premise of Jasmin’s article is that being alone can be a good thing. She interviews Dr Bella DePaulo from the University of California, and asks:
“Why are we so afraid of being lonely?”
Dr Bella DePaulo responds:
“The idea that everyone wants to get married seems to be an organizing concept of society. If people get married they think they’ll be happier, healthier, live longer. So, if you get married you feel like you’ve done the right thing, and that just by finding this one person all the pieces of your life have fallen into place.”
Sounds a little bitter, Bella. Marriage is exactly the right thing. Your life really does fall into place when you find someone who will always be there for you, who will raise your children with you, who will grow old with you, who will love you unconditionally and who will be there with you as you watch your children grow and learn.
The West is dying, and we’re replacing our lost children with third world immigrants and robots. Having children not only props up the greatest civilisation in history, but it allows you to be the bitter feminist you evidently are. You’re free to remain a feminist, but you’re also free to hear out some friendly advice.
If you don’t think that marriage is the ‘right thing’ to do in life, then I pity you. How long do you spend convincing yourself every night that this convoluted, backwards thinking is right? And how old do you think you’ll be when you grow out of it? 96? When you’re being turned every three hours to prevent bed sores?
DePaulo is in her 60s and, according to her blog (which, by the way, is one of the saddest things you’ll ever read) is single and has always been single. So that explains it!
Every other post on her blog is about how empowering it is to be without a man, and how ‘Singlism’ is a problem.
There’s another buzzword for ya!
Listen De Paulo. It’s not too late. You’ve got your PhD, you’ve made excuses for your loneliness on national TV and through your sad website for years – what, now, do you have to lose?
Grow your hair, whack on a fancy pair of heels and go wow a silver fox! You still have maybe 30 years left in you, so why not settle down and enjoy the companionship that comes with a relationship? You’ll never see the joy of kids but hey, you might be able to see out your final years with somebody actually giving two shits about you.
And as for you, Yasmin – there are plenty of men out there who would screw you, but perhaps if you stopped being such a bitter social justice warrior, one of them might actually want to put a ring on it.
Give it a shot.