A ProudBoy Guide to Repressing Yourself: It Starts with No Wanks

Channel Your Desire for Distraction

It all starts with No Wanks.

It’s amazing to think that something as simple as leaving your dick alone would make such a difference in your life. You could even say it’s mind-blowing.

But it’s true.

For years, effete Millennials and frustrated Gen-Xers have been wasting their endorphins and flooding their fried brains with chemicals before the sickly glow of laptop screens.

Virtual fantasies are never enough, and men are left shrivelled, fatigued, and even more frustrated as a result.

Fuck that.


No Wanks is officially a thing.  

It works. Keeping those endorphins at bay until they really count. Letting your dick out of its cage only when a woman is in your midst and earning your fatigue the old-fashioned way are lightyears ahead of lonely lotion sessions in your unkempt bedroom.

Those who practice No Wanks feel more energetic, more like a predator; and this gnawing drive to do something, to create something, to destroy something, to devour the world is what being alive is all about.

And yet, in and of itself, this feeling is not enough. It all starts with No Wanks, but it doesn’t end there.

While my desire to wank is reigned in, locked in a cell, tied to a chair, and denied its one phone call, I should point that pent-up energy in a different direction. I shouldn’t just sit there passively, waiting out the urge. That’s what I’m trying to get away from in the first place, and that’s what wanking is: something passive, vicarious, and detrimental. Instead, I should work on my passion, exercise, take care of that nagging paperwork, or go find a woman who doesn’t vanish from my presence when the wifi craps out.

In this sense, repression is not a total shutdown of desire.

It’s active. It is a way of refocusing your desire and funnelling it into positive ends. When I repress my desire to wank, I also direct the energy behind that desire toward something beneficial.

And because repressive energy pushed in the right direction is so useful, we should look at other areas of our lives beside the sexual in which unhealthy indulgences can be curtailed, so the energy behind them can be expended for something worthwhile. After all, if repression works in a sexual context, there’s no reason to think it won’t work in others.

This is more easily said than done, however. We live in an age when self-expression is the highest virtue.

I can understand that. America used to be a free country, you know. And people should be allowed to pursue their own happiness. But when did pursuing your own happiness consist of going nowhere on the couch?


Why is comfort the ultimate goal of Western man?

Just like wanking, bingeing on Netflix and strolling around shopping centers for shit you don’t need is not only detrimental to your physical and mental well-being, it’s downright childish.

Adults bear up under the weight of responsibility. That’s what makes them adults. Diamonds are fashioned under pressure. Instead, today in America, men old enough to grow hipster beards still wax poetic about how they dodged the rat race and expect honorifics for smoking weed at noon. (Why the hell are you trying to stick it to the man at 30? You are the man!)

The sheer number of distractions in our modern world, the very womb society that we have created and the philosophy of comfortable consumption we cultivate, make it extremely difficult to use our time constructively rather than jerking it off.

The truth is that many of us struggle to ignore all of the shiny temptations that the modern world lays before us.

But the good life is one of struggle because hard work produces things of quality. The same cannot be said of Fritos, bongs, and video games.

Moreover, our pursuit of the pointless is not only childish but also selfish. Like it or not, no man is an island. We are tiny organisms within the larger animal of society. And this larger animal’s health depends on our concerted efforts. Sinking into the couch for hours will hurt you doubly in the end: individually and communally.

When Thomas Jefferson wrote that we are free to pursue our happiness, he meant that we are free to pursue those things that make us feel fulfilled.

Fulfilment comes from conquering challenges, not running away from them. Across the span of centuries, our third president is urging you to act in a way that leads you, and by extension, America, to greatness.

Our forefathers made America great through hard work born from the repression of untimely and negative desires. They were Proud Boys. And we can be too. We can be proud. We can stand tall. We can carry the torch. And we can make America great again.


Paul Heath is a high school English teacher, a copywriter, and a “drunken, vainglorious lout.” He graduated with honors from a prestigious university right before it was completely strangled by the limp wrists and pasty, chubby fingers of political correctness. No, he will not pat you on the back for being lazy. No, he will not sign your form. Yes, he has serious designs to become the first Übermensch.


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